Category: Musings

Dearly Departed

Dearly Departed,

It’s been 4 months and 10 days since you’ve been gone, but I still can’t believe it. I had known you since we were both 10, and today at 21, I sit here and  wonder where did you decide it went so wrong that it wasn’t worth it anymore. We grew up together, changed cities together, you were one of my best friends, until one day you were no more. In the time since that fateful day, I’ve gone through an array of emotions, but I still feel I’m stuck at stage one of grief – Denial.

Denial that you’re gone, that you called it quits and left us all behind, that none of us could save you. Denial that you left no reason and no answers to all our questions, the hows and the whys. Everywhere I turn, I still see you. You come to me in bits and pieces, every time I’m alone and sometimes even when I’m in crowds. I still look up your name on social media and  go through our old photos, I miss you when I read a new book or watch an interesting show, I want to message you bad puns and over the top sexual jokes. I grew up with you, and now I’m growing up alone. We bonded over books, and I still can’t look at any Agatha Christie novel without thinking of you.

Sometimes I’m so mad at you, sometimes I’m so hurt. But the pain, it just doesn’t go away. You managed to instill a fear in me of the future; With yourself you also managed to kill my childlike innocence to believe in the best. You instilled a fear of dark in me, of the unknown. You’re the cause for my red rimmed eyes every night, when I cry myself to sleep while my head spins stories around you. We tried to find a reason in every message you had ever sent, every word you had ever spoken until there was nothing left to decode.

My fear also runs to odd places when the demons in my head start to roar. You and I often spoke about how similar you and I are. Once upon a time it was a beautiful thing to find another person who’s so similar to you, that I could share my problems with. Today, it had become my greatest nightmare. I sit and wonder will I also end up doing what you did. Worse, sometimes I’m tempted to join you just so we can discuss this too.

Today, I look in the mirror and my puffy eyes and frown taunt me and call me weak. But I like to live, a lot. So today, after 4 months and 10 days, I refuse to wait everyday for a letter that’ll never come.

But dear friend, I still miss you. And I love you.

Yours Truly,

A friend you left behind.



Little Lies – 1

Does it remind you of us? He asks.

I look up and stare, my heart beating an uneven staccato. I prayed that my eyes didn’t give my truth away. I mulled it over, his question. Did it remind me of him, all the pieces of love floating around in this world? When I saw two hands held together, when lips fuse with each other with the promise of more, when two bodies come together on the screen. Did I think of him anymore? It felt like ages had passed between him and me, the months spanning seasons. But I couldn’t tell him truth, because my secrets should always remain that, secrets.

So I look up and lie ‘Sometimes they do.’

But my eyes, they still shy away. Because the only thing love reminds me of is you.


It’s not that easy, moving from one place to another. Sometimes along with picking up all your clothes and shoes, you also have to pack parts of your soul. With every knick-knack I put in my bag, I also put all the memories and laughter attached to it. The black top is symbolic of the time when I got drunk the first time around and freaked everybody out, while the blackened wall represents a time with the lighter gone bad. Those coffee mugs are from when my roommate and I used to sip green teas every day, a ritual so embedded in me that I continued it with my brother too.

Every item in this room that I’m now leaving forever has been accumulated over three years; it holds countless laughter, jokes, fights and what not. If objects could speak, they would all tell you the tale of wide eyed kids who left home in search of something new, something better, and something bigger. They would tell you of all the struggles and triumphs, secret tears and shared happiness. But most of all they’ll tell you the tale of friendship and love; of how a place isn’t a home without the people in it.

So today as I pack my bag to return back home, I know one thing for sure. I had managed to more than just live in another city; I had managed to build a home.

The Cycle Of Seasons

The cycle began during spring

My heart skipped a beat

You smiled at me and said a few words

every syllable sounding sweet.

With summer came the laughter

the world turning orange and yellow

deeper and deeper we fell

with the days turning lazy and mellow.

With rains our storms brewed

The clouds overshadowed the sun

With every thunder our  cracks grew wider

till all was said and done.

The cold and bleary winter with it

brought short days and long nights

the loneliness seeped in the bones

left me holding the pillows tight.

It is the circle of seasons

These bonds I cant break through

And I’ll smash at it until I can

Then I’ll grin and bid it adieu.

Maybe I should let go

Maybe it was just past time when I had to let go.

I had held on to it for so long. My breath was cold, the frost had turned my lips blue. From winter to summer, I had waited for you. I used to shiver in cold jackets that smelled of you, just to feel closer. Now I wear threadbare shorts and pluck at the end, waiting for this feeling to end. Every time I’m around you, a part of me goes into hyper alert mode, following every gesture and every blink. Your words make my heart skip a beat. The after feeling of remorse, shame and defeat takes over, when you turn away from me again.

It’s over, I know. Maybe I should also let go.

Time after Time

I tried to let go

To be free of you

But somehow it doesnt work

You follow me through


In my days and my dreams

Your presence has me shook

You shadow seeped over

On every step I took


Farther and Farther

I never stopped running

My breath turned to fog

And my lungs stopped breathing


And then I lay down

Broken and spent

And waited for the next time

I would do it again