It’s been 4 months and 10 days since you’ve been gone, but I still can’t believe it. I had known you since we were both 10, and today at 21, I sit here and wonder where did you decide it went so wrong that it wasn’t worth it anymore. We grew up together, changed cities together, you were one of my best friends, until one day you were no more. In the time since that fateful day, I’ve gone through an array of emotions, but I still feel I’m stuck at stage one of grief – Denial.
Denial that you’re gone, that you called it quits and left us all behind, that none of us could save you. Denial that you left no reason and no answers to all our questions, the hows and the whys. Everywhere I turn, I still see you. You come to me in bits and pieces, every time I’m alone and sometimes even when I’m in crowds. I still look up your name on social media and go through our old photos, I miss you when I read a new book or watch an interesting show, I want to message you bad puns and over the top sexual jokes. I grew up with you, and now I’m growing up alone. We bonded over books, and I still can’t look at any Agatha Christie novel without thinking of you.
Sometimes I’m so mad at you, sometimes I’m so hurt. But the pain, it just doesn’t go away. You managed to instill a fear in me of the future; With yourself you also managed to kill my childlike innocence to believe in the best. You instilled a fear of dark in me, of the unknown. You’re the cause for my red rimmed eyes every night, when I cry myself to sleep while my head spins stories around you. We tried to find a reason in every message you had ever sent, every word you had ever spoken until there was nothing left to decode.
My fear also runs to odd places when the demons in my head start to roar. You and I often spoke about how similar you and I are. Once upon a time it was a beautiful thing to find another person who’s so similar to you, that I could share my problems with. Today, it had become my greatest nightmare. I sit and wonder will I also end up doing what you did. Worse, sometimes I’m tempted to join you just so we can discuss this too.
Today, I look in the mirror and my puffy eyes and frown taunt me and call me weak. But I like to live, a lot. So today, after 4 months and 10 days, I refuse to wait everyday for a letter that’ll never come.
But dear friend, I still miss you. And I love you.
A friend you left behind.